


To Manage Affections

by lexari



Series: War Cut My Tongue and My Speech is Blood [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, One-Shot, One-Sided Relationship, Romantic Angst, Worry, canonverse, musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 18:24:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7372645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexari/pseuds/lexari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emotion is stilted and confusing in wake of someone's pain.</p>
<p>Or, how Levi and Mikasa function when Eren is lucky to be breathing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Manage Affections

The devotion to that boy that this girl holds is, in a word, immeasurable.

Levi sighs as he leans against the doorframe, unnoticed. It was that time again, when Eren was damaged, unable to even twitch, as his missing arms and legs once more attempted growth as a result of Hanji developing new weapons. He knew that he had cleared the experiment - but that didn't settle his stomach as he looked at the two, siblings who held such great strength in this war against titans. Hanji's acid bombs were supposed to be effective, not agonizing. Even as he knows that Eren and Mikasa don't blame him, he cannot help but feel a twinge of guilt at making them go through what he considered unnecessary pain. Damn it.

He takes his time, absorbing the sight. Mikasa, still in her stained training uniform, balancing haphazardly on the edge of the worn wooden seat as she worriedly strokes Eren's hair. Only his hair, but not his face. Even while he is unconscious, Levi can tell that Mikasa tries her hardest to respect Eren's consistent pleas: "I don't need taking care of," and, "Mikasa, there is nothing you need to worry about," are words that everyone, even Levi, has heard come out of Eren's mouth more than once. Maybe Eren hadn't noticed, but Levi had - seeing that Mikasa was putting that single-minded focus on treating Eren how he wanted to be treated. She was trying her hardest to respect his space. But her habitual nature kicked into overdrive when Eren was hurt; frankly, Levi saw it as a miracle that she wasn't currently lying in the same bed as Eren, searching for contact, warmth, and proof that Eren was mending.

Levi wanted to step in further. Sit by her, sit by him. His respect for them had grown exponentially, even as Eren occasionally had tremors if Levi's presence was unexpected. Even as Mikasa still threw the occasional glare his way. Tremors, glares, and his glacial stare, are all parts of the language he has created with the siblings. The day he cannot read the curve of Eren's grimace, or garner a begrudging nod from the territorial Mikasa, he knows that means he's lost them. Then, he would maybe know what fear and true betrayal is. But for now, he can read the knit together features of a tense, stressed Mikasa. He can almost taste the copper that lies thick on Eren's tongue. He worries for them.

He worries for them. Maybe it's because he is getting old - but he is beginning to think about what he's left for them; not paternalistically, the walls know he is fit to guide no one like that, but from one soldier to another.

Who is he kidding? With Mikasa, it _is_ like that. Pseudo-fatherly. Hell, her stoic nature is so reminiscent of his that he honestly feels like he could have raised her in another universe. He knows she will be the one to pick up the title of Strongest when he is wrinkled and useless - if the war still continues by then. He wouldn't mind giving that to her, if it comes down to it. He, looking at all the past recruits, always held a mix of thankfulness and disdain - thankful he was needed, thankful that he was the strongest, that no one could replace him, that he had motivation; and bitter disdain that comes from knowing that his life was still, by leaps and bounds, the most horrible experience to motivate someone. Then came Mikasa. The potential, the quiet determination, the strength within her. He doesn't know how horrible her life is - but her existence leaves him a little less lonely, and has made him a little more reckless. Such is the way of feelings.

Levi knows he cannot join her reverie - for all that they hold respect, and maybe something more in their interactions, she cannot make space for Levi by shrinking her presence at Eren's side. She refuses to give up what she has earned in Eren's mind - and she doubts Eren's ability to open it further - leave her all the space she has earned yet create more for Levi. It is one of the many facets that Mikasa still cannot understand about Eren; that Eren is the only recruit still growing more human even as he grows into his titan form.

Levi has earned something from Eren. How? He does not know, but he need to set aside his time to sit vigilant as well. He owes it to Eren. Eren expects it of him. For all of Levi's devil-may-cry attitude, his obligation to Eren has grown under his skin, like vines constricting his limbs. He knocks on the side of the doorframe - breaking Mikasa's trance. A three part knock, _thud thud thud_ , that rattles his heart a little higher in his throat as his worry rises like high tide and his chest tightens with something he will not admit to himself as long as someone with a red scarf remains in the room.

"There is some dinner left for you. Don't return here until morning."

She looks to interrupt, gripping the seat firmly as she tries to remain silent in front of a man she does respect to some degree.

"I won't have you run yourself ragged."

She stands up, rigid, hands tensely in fists as she insists with her eyes alone that she should remain right where she was.

"You will be useless to Eren if you are exhausted. I will keep vigil."

Her shoulders relax ever so slightly, hands unfurl. It is a captain's orders, and a captain who cares for Eren. Never like she cares for Eren, but no one could care as much as she does.

She walks towards the door, he walks towards the chair. Levi is relieved that he can begin his watch, no one can care for Eren like he does. His heart pulses in his chest, and it's imperceptible, but he knows his breath is slightly shallow, hitching, as he approaches Eren.

"Mikasa?"

She turns, something about Levi's tone drawing in her attention more than usual. It is not a soldier's exchange. Levi doesn't look back at her, and seeing the back of his neck is part of that secret language that Levi and her have. One where she knows she cannot see his face because right now it is not the face of a captain. She doesn't need to know that face - so she is content with the neck - it is a vulnerable spot, after all. He taught her that.

"How are you managing yourself?" He sits down, spine taut against the back of the chair, even as he crosses his legs in a facade of casual regard.

She looks at him, and it dawns on her, the real question. ("How are you managing the worry so well? How do you manage the feelings so well? I am consumed with something I haven't felt for years.")

"Sir, I've dealt with this since I was young - I've grown up managing it. I am fine."

("You care. You don't seem to know how that works anymore, but you care. And you care enough to ask me how to care. That's enough.")

She leaves the room, and at the end of the hall, she moves to raise her scarf to her face. It's the wrong move, and she rests the scarf once again against her collarbone, instead opting to brush her fingers along the nape of her neck. The left side of her mouth quirks upwards, in knowing that someone cares for Eren, in a way different from herself and different from Armin. Levi's intentions towards Eren - the protection, the lessons, the something in his eyes. She wants it - not for herself, but to give to Eren, who craves it. Because it is something else, something that she cannot give Eren, that he can.

Her eyes begin to water, imperceptibly. Such is their language.

**Author's Note:**

> Third work of all time on this site. I went the introspective route this time. Leave a comment, because just one comment can make a difference on whether I leave this piece as a one-shot or try to do something with it.


End file.
